What About Boob?

Now that I'm a reluctant housewife/stay-at-home mom/work from home mom, I have a bit of guilt about something.
My daughter and I were at our first playgroup on Tuesday and my daughter got hungry towards the end.  So I do what any mom would do. I open up the little cooler bag I tote in the diaper bag and mix up a batch of formula.  And then I watch in horror as just about every other woman in the playgroup whips out a boob to feed their kid. 
I don't mean I was horrified to see nursing in public.  Quite the contrary. I was horrified that I wasn't whipping out my boob as if this was some type of twisted grown-up, non-collegiate version of a wet t-shirt contest and the woman with the ripest boob wins.
Let me back up.
I started out breast feeding my daughter.  I had great intentions with it.  I was going to breast feed for AT LEAST 6 months and everything would be fantastic and I would know she was getting the best nutrition. But coming home from the hospital was a different story. I came home and my daughter wouldn't latch.  I tried those Medela nipple shields to no happy result. I contacted LaLeche League for help. I consulted breast feeding specialists all who told me to use the shields. They didn't work and I knew I couldn't have a breast specialist on staff all day every day to hold my boob in one hand and my daughter's head at a certain angle in the other. I was frustrated. My daughter was frustrated and my husband was frustrated.  I am a woman who is going to make her own baby food in a couple of weeks using all organic materials for Christ's sake so the thought of formula feeding didn't sit well with me.

I still gave it a college try though. I pumped for 3 hours a day for 8 weeks to give to my daughter and we supplemented with formula.  However, 3 hours a day is a lot to be hooked to a dairy machine and then you still have to feed the kid and do other jobs. It's pretty limited to be hooked up to the breast pump.  It's not like I can put my pump in a sling and do the dishes. I came home from the hospital and didn't have a drop of formula in the house. So my husband had to go get formula and be worried that he bought the right type. (The best advice I will give any new mom is to always have at least one can or ready to feed bottle of formula in the house just in case because I know of so many moms who had good intentions but had to go do the formula run when they got home.)

To make matters infinitely worse, at week 2, my daughter developed severe reflux and a milk allergy.  Enter the soy formula and the great formula throw out of 2010. We went through 6 different formulas trying to find one that didn't end up projectiled across the room on the cat. We finally found one only to have my daycare ( I was still working then) provide a different kind for free.  So we switched again.  After daycare ended, we tried switching again to a gentle formula. Projectile to the cat.

So back to playgroup and guilt. I felt like the lowest mother in the world.  But thankfully I wasn't alone. Another woman must have been feeling the same thing. She tentatively said, "I tried to breastfeed but I couldn't make enough and my baby was losing weight."  I think she must have been relieved to see my Tommee Tippee bottle in hand and I think we instantly bonded.  I told her I had the opposite problem and I think we realized that between the two of us, we would have had a great wet nurse thing going.  The main problem that we have though, is that we are both at home during the day.  Shouldn't we devote hours and infinite amounts of time to make breastfeeding work? I can understand a working mom that doesn't have 3 hours a day to pump or have someone help her, but a stay at home mom should be boob feeding exclusively right?

But why am I feeling guilty in the first place? When I sit down and think about it, my child is getting all of the vitamins and minerals she needs and is perfectly healthy and gaining weight ahead of her growth curve. Why is this such a guilt-wrenching topic for so many women? Why is the whole world concerned with our boobs? For God's sake, one week after giving birth, I was trimming the hedge and a neighbor rolls by in her car and rolls down the window and yells "Are you breastfeeding? How is it going? I would love to talk to you about breastfeeding if you get a chance."   I just smiled and said I had everything under control, but since when did boobs of a new mom get so much attention?  What business is it of hers and why is she talking to me about breastfeeding like she's selling me Amway?  "I'd love to talk to you about the benefits of Amway."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that for all the moms out there that can't breastfeed, don't let the boob pushers of the world get to you.  Are they out there and are they called breast Nazis by those mothers that are brow beaten for offering Similac instead of teet? You bet. But as long as a child is growing and smiles in the morning when she looks at mommy and has her "I love Mommy" bib on, what is the big deal?

For all the formula feeders, I think we should be proud we gave it a good try and just go on with our lives.  Easier said then done, but I'm going to try.