How School Should Be Taught- A Curriculum Guide

In my first blog post introducing myself, I mentioned that I wished I had taken the Foods class offerings in high school instead of thinking it was cool to procur a fifth of green Mad Dog and ride up and down the Wood River strip in a convertible with my top off. I look back upon my high school days and think, actually, that the only thing that I really use in my work from home job is typing. (And actually, the only thing I used in my corporate jobs was typing as well.)

College algebra? Never used it but someone did use the word "proportions" the other day and I wanted to punch them in the throat.

Honors English Lit?: Other than being damn proud of my A+ paper on the Grapes of Wrath junior year, I haven't really extolled the greatness of Paradise Lost lately. (Although I did go back and read Animal Farm last fall.)

German?: Sprechen Sie Deutsch???? That's about all I remember of that crap.

Computer Science? It was the early 90s. Computer science consisted of using old Apples from the mid-80s to make smiley faces out of code. I haven't really a use for this now.

P.E.?- I haven't been to any hodowns lately, so that square dancing wasn't really that helpful in the dating scene.

So what would be useful to me as a 34 year old wife and mother who freelance writes from home?

Foods 1, Foods 2 and Foods 3: I'm not the best cook in the world, but when you are stuck at home all day with a baby that doesn't need to be out every night at Buffalo Wild Wings or the best Italian place in St. Louis (shameless plug for Ricardo's) you surely don't want to look at another salmon patty or box of pasta salad. I wish I would have learned to cook and the correct way to hold a knife.

Home Improvement: Yes. I think there should be a home improvement course in every high school and you do not get your diploma until you can stand at the front of home depot and tell every lost soul exactly what aisle their item of choice is and write a beautiful paper on caulk. This course would eliminate lost souls in Home Depot in 20 years.

Bodily Functions and Cleaning: For those wishing to reproduce someday there needs to be a guide on putting on the hazmat suit and detailing every bodily fluid and soil that will come your way as a parent.

Poorhouse Economics: Enough with the stockmarket economic classes. I want students to have a class where their arm gets broken and they have to deal with the hospital to pay the bills and still buy the following items for the week: cheese, laundry detergent, diarrhea medicine, and cat food. When they cannot afford these items, students will learn ingenuity involving coupons, sales, generics, and stealing toilet paper from rest stops.

Ballroom dance: It may sound weird, but how many of us were caught at a wedding (either ours or someone else's) and felt mildly embarassed because we still dance like we're back in 8th grade listening to Joey McIntyre and the rest of the New Kids sing "Please Don't Go Girl."?


Lastly, as much as I hate to admit it and as much as my mother is loathe to admit, the most helpful of all some days is the consolation that once upon a time there was that quiet convertible ride and a bottle of green Mad Dog. But I don't think they even make it anymore.